What one 'Supergirl' story arc taught me about coming out

No one tells you how to come out. There’s no guidebook that details exactly what you should say, no song that accurately sums up how you should feel and no television show that allows you to look at a character and say, “this is my journey." Or at least I never thought there was, until this season of Supergirl.

That’s not to say that television hasn’t given us tons of coming out stories over the years. In the past year or so especially, we’ve seen an influx of gay characters and same-sex relationships dominate the small screen, though there is still a long, long way to go. (According to GLAAD, 2016 had the highest percentage of LGBTQ series regulars on broadcast TV since the organization started measuring diversity on the small screen -- 43 regulars (4.8%) were identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer.)

But most of these stories have dealt with the end result, after characters have more or less realized their feelings – after they’ve owned their identity, when they’re comfortable being with another man or woman.

Possibly the closest story I’ve been able to identify with up until Supergirlcame along was Willow and Tara’s relationship in Buffy The Vampire Slayer -- and that, like a disproportionate number of lesbian/bisexual stories in pop culture -- ended in tragedy.

It’s serendipitous that the show chose to highlight Alex Danvers’ coming out story at the exact same time I decided that I felt comfortable enough to come out about my own bisexuality. While I’ve been able to say the words out loud and write it on the internet, it’s something that I’m still working on embracing.

Over the past few months, however, I’ve started to become more comfortable with this part of me that has always been there but that I never had the courage to accept before.

A large part of that has been because I’ve been able to see that change reflected back at me through Alex and the coming out story that Supergirlhas chosen to tell.

Coming out can make you feel like a kid again, as the emotions of realizing this new part of yourself become more prominent.

When Alex opened up to her mom and her sister with giddy, child-like happiness, it mirrored the rush of endorphins and relief I felt when I finally owned the words “I am bisexual.”

But coming out isn’t a “one and done” process. As I watched Alex struggle with telling Maggie that, no, she absolutely did not like women in that way, I saw myself -- someone who, over the years, has dismissed feelings and comments about women as a “phase.” Someone who has felt invalidated because she was in love with, dating and will most likely marry a man.

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When Maggie tells Alex, “it’s real. You are real,” in response to Alex’s realization about her sexuality, it felt like she was speaking to me, reassuring me that I had a right to feel the way I did.

No one tells you how to come out, especially when you’re a "grownup." It’s harder when you get older (I'm 34), because you have to reevaluate all the past thoughts you’ve had, and past relationships, and missed opportunities. You have to reconcile the person you accept that you are now with the person you thought you always were.

Chyler Leigh as Alex Danvers and Melissa Benoist as Kara. Credit: Liane Hentscher/The CW

The process is slow, because it’s a realization that comes with doubt and worry and a lot of conflicting emotions. And Supergirlcould have easily chosen to shove Alex’s story into one big coming out episode, glossing over everything that goes into realizing how you feel when you first discover an important part of you.

It didn’t. From the moment Alex met Maggie to their long-awaited kiss in the fall finale, Alex’s journey was relatable and often painful.

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We watched Alex struggle with accepting her feelings, we watched her work up the courage to come out to her family and friends and finally, to the girl she realized she’s attracted to.

We were exposed to the hurt that comes with opening yourself up and not getting what you hoped for in return, because coming out is not a magic fix for your love life. It’s not a rom-com happy ending where you bare your soul to the girl you like, and she tells you she likes you back, and you become girlfriends forever.

Alex comes out to Maggie, and Maggie turns her down. Alex is, understandably, angry and upset. She feels violated and confused and questions whether or not her feelings are even worth it.

When I watched that particular scene, it felt like a punch in the gut. It felt too much like a situation I’d recently gone through myself. When I watched Alex cry to Kara about how humiliated she felt, I saw myself crying on the couch about how confused and humiliated I had felt not so long ago. It was, in a way, cathartic to have that release that I might not have known how to deal with otherwise.

But perhaps the most valuable part of Alex’s trajectory has been the simple message that the show manages to get across so well, despite the fact Alex’s burgeoning acceptance of her sexuality isn't driving the show's narrative: No one does it alone.

I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to have a group of close friends who believe in me, support me, and are unconditionally there for me. At a time when our country is facing some of its most blatant prejudice to date, I can’t express how much of a difference it makes to have people who love you on your side.

People often underestimate the impact that positive and truthful storytelling can have on someone. “I get me,” Alex tells Maggie, when they finally address the elephant in the room. “And now I realize it wasn’t about you. It's about me living my life.”

“I get me” too, Alex. Thank you.

Supergirlairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on The CW.

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